Monday, August 3, 2009

Social Scene

Parties See an Increase in Sluts

Recent polling of college events has uncovered some delightful news for university males. According to a recent study done by the College Scene Census (CSC), parties run for profit (parties where attendees have to pay to get in) have been seeing a steady increase in attendance by sluts since 2004. The study was headed by Richard Caldwell M.D., and the research has taken data from schools all over the East Coast.

“At first the rise was quite gradual,” said Caldwell, “we just assumed it was a momentary upturn, nothing major. Maybe a new alcohol was being introduced into the market, maybe the prices of speakers and electronics went down at a fortuitous time for fraternities. We can’t point to a singular reason for why sluts are being sluttier, they simply are. They rise and fall like any other population.”

It wasn’t until 2007 when Caldwell and his team had to accept that the slut-to- everyone else ratio was at the steepest climb it’s been since the inception of the project in 2000. Knowing they could do nothing to quell the numbers, the team could only ponder the backlash.

“If the numbers continue at their current pace, the slut-to-everyone-else ratio will be 3 to 1 in a large swath of schools across the nation by 2012.” Caldwell elaborated, “The rise in sluts is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of sluts are good because it makes the male population less prone to violent acts and self-destruction. On the other hand, if it gets to the point where men no longer need to spend money to impress women, then we have a significant blow to many markets in the economy.”

Among the many casualties in the markets that would suffer, Florists, Hallmark greeting card stores, and moderately priced jewelry from department stores would be hit the hardest. So the only questions that remain are how would we stop what seems to be an overwhelming increases in sluts, and do we really want to? Caldwell’s leading research scientist Anthony Tong weighed in on the matter.

“On the face of it, everyone would like to see more sluts. That’s seems like an idea you can get behind and ride all the way to the bank, but it’s just not the way it is.” Tong went on to say “The things a slut does at the end night tend to negate how annoying she is the rest of the evening. Eventually there could be such a dense population of sluts that good conversation couldn’t survive in the environment. It’s in our best interest to at least try to make this thing level off.”

Tong provided UR with a checklist of precautions to take in order to repel sluts, and therefore slowly reduce their numbers. Tong maintains that the best piece of advice that he can give is “Sluts thrive on attention, so the best thing you can do is ignore them.”

Dr. Tongs Tips for Minimum Slut Exposure

• Avoid bright colors and flashy jewelry.
• Avoid areas where flavored vodkas are being served
• Never engage in crotch-to-butt dance maneuvers with any girl you haven’t known for more then two days.
• If you can hear a girl yelling obnoxiously for no particular reason, walk in the opposite direction.

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