College Sports

Syracuse Mascot Tired of Being Mocked

There was a minor ripple in the college football atmosphere when it was disclosed this past week that the mascot for Syracuse University checked himself into a mental health clinic. According to school officials the university mascot, Otto the Orange, admitted himself to the Hollowitz Mental Health Facility on the grounds of extreme emotional stress. At first, Otto was not granting interviews, but rather let the school read a prepared statement on his behalf that read:

“Dear Students and Alumni, I know my absence over the past few sporting events has been disappointing, and I appreciate the outpouring of support and encouragement from my fans. Like most things made of a felt fabric, I never pondered my purpose nor questioned my role. However, after being jeered at by opposing fans for the past several football seasons, I have come to realize something very disturbing: I am nothing more than a piece of produce. For years I have danced away the pain and done front-rolls through the tears, but today I can no longer deny how I feel. Today, I am a very sad orange.”

No matter the amount of coaxing, Otto would not let the press into his room or accept phone calls asking for answers. It was only after the first week of his treatment that Otto decided it was best for him to share his pain with the world.

“I’ve done what no mascot should ever have to do,” stated Otto at his press conference a few days ago, “I have had to accept the fact that in terms of sport, I make absolutely no fucking sense. In the midst of this existential crisis I ask my brothers in rubber and felt to not look down on me, but rather understand that I can no longer frolic while the crushing futility and absurdity of my existence destroys me from the inside out. I mean, come on. I’m an orange.”

Fellow mascots from other universities are sympathizing with Otto’s plight. Hoot the Temple Owl and the St. Joseph’s University Hawk had similar words of support for their comrade in mascotry.

“I know how he feels, I mean, I’m an owl. That’s not menacing at all. To top it off, I look like a genetically altered owl who was given the body of a human midget and the head of a parade float. Hang in there Otto, we’re with you.”

The SJU Hawk felt Otto’s pain as well. “It’s disgusting the physical demands they make on us. If I don’t constantly flap the entire game they’ll sell me to some crazed hawk breeder in upstate New York. They actually told me they’d do that. I can only imagine the type of pressure that Otto is under. How can you ask an orange to do all those calisthenics? He’s a fucking orange, dude.”

Others feel less sympathetic and aren’t shying away from having their opinions heard. The Stanford Cardinal had this to say: “Oh yeah, Otto’s life is so hard. At least he’s based off the university color. You know what I am? I’m a tree. They call me a cardinal. No one will tell me why. Cry me a river Otto. I go out there and do my job every soul crushing day, you don’t see me throwing a pity party for myself.”

However one feels about Otto’s sudden absence, his disappearance in keenly felt at Syracuse sporting events. Fans who are already depressed at their team’s sudden decline now no longer even have the simple joy of laughing at an over-sized orange.