Monday, August 3, 2009
College Health Department
Dining Hall Food Declared a Diuretic by the FDA
The FDA shocked the college world today when spokesperson Dr. Isabel Bennet called a press conference and officially re-classified all food served by college dining halls as powerful diuretics. She began the stunning announcement with a few conciliatory statements.
“Let me start by apologizing to any and all college institutions that serve palatable food at their dining hall,” stated Dr. Bennet, “but this institution cannot ignore the facts any longer.”
Dr. Bennet went on to say that after a rather gassy conference among physicians at the University of Pennsylvania, she decided to have the FDA test the effects of college dining hall food on the gastrointestinal process. Samples were taken from colleges all across the nation and fed to people of all different ages, weights, and nationalities. The results, Bennet says, are conclusive.
“Dining hall food makes you damn near shit your pants. There’s just no way around it. Unfortunately, we cannot connect this food with the healthy bowel movements that something like fiber might provide. This stuff just causes violent intestinal spasms.”
Dr. Bennet justified the research on the grounds that not only will the reclassification allow students to better plan their eating schedule around long, important exams, but this new data explains the rise in dormitory plumbing costs around the nation.
To some school administrators, the news was like a revelation. Knowing that dining hall food was the source of so much sewage and plumbing backup will allow administrators like Gary Pearson of Hartford University to dramatically cut costs by changing the menu.
“Seriously? It was the food causing all those problems?” asked a relieved Pearson. “I thought all our kids were sick, or weren’t chewing their food. You should have heard the stories maintenance was telling us about some of the crap clogging the pipes. One guy told me they found a shit so big it looked like someone had eaten a walrus head whole.”
Adults aren’t the only ones breathing a sigh of relief. Students like Harry Larson feel like a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders, and their intestines.
“Hopefully this means they’ll be serving better food now right? I mean, not only was the food barely edible, but like twenty minutes after I was dropping weapons of mass destruction in the toilet. Oh and the odor…you never smelled such things. The things I’ve seen in that bathroom could shake up a Viet Nam vet.”
However, despite the relief felt by students and faculty alike, some see this change as a death knell to their profession. College cafeteria workers around the nation are scared that with the increase of quality food there will be an increase in work. Day laborer Miles Green is voicing his fears to anyone who will listen.
“This is bullshit man. The food is all deep fried, it’s like the easiest job in the world. Now these little bastards want greens? Shit man, I’m going to have to, like, clean the dishes now and be conscientious of food quality. I get paid like nine dollars an hour…[expletive deleted] that noise This is just another case of those bigwigs down at the FDA trying to screw over the little man.”
Despite the mixed emotions over the FDA’s announcement there are a few certainties that will be a part of the future to come. College dormitories will be slightly less rancid, fart-based pranks will most likely decline in the upcoming year, and toilets everywhere will gurgle a sigh of relief.