Social Scene

Nerds No Longer Exist; Losers Remain

College is a time for many changes. It is a formative experience that allows one to not only grow mentally, but spiritually as well. So it made sense when former Drexel Adjunct Professor Timothy Wheaton wrote a formal paper declaring that nerds do not exist in colleges today.

“I’m not saying that nerds don’t go to college,” explained Wheaton, “I’m simply conjecturing that once they enter the college world, society needs them, and no longer classifies them as ‘nerds’ per se.”

In Wheaton’s article, entitled “The Nerd: Society’s Butterfly,” he attempts to explain that while nerds are abundant in high school, they seem to disappear entirely by second semester freshmen year of college. Wheaton’s argument rests on his theory that the social dreg of the high school world consists of nerds and losers. When nerds enter college they can either excel at the skills that made them an outcast, or they become a full-fledged loser.

“It’s amazing how timeless losers are,” marvels Wheaton, “You can be a loser from the age of six until the day you die. You can start a loser and shape up, or you can become a loser after being on top of the world. It knows no age, race, or socioeconomic boundaries.”
Nerds are a horse of a different color though. There aren’t really a significant amount of black nerds. Additionally, the skills that make a white kid a nerd (Math, Science, Pokemon) make an Asian kid just seem all the more Asian. You can’t be an old nerd, it’s literally impossible. You’re just old.”

So what does this mean for nerds around the country? Though it might seem nice to lose a degrading label like “Nerd”, you can’t move seamlessly from a nerd to normal member of society.

“Nerds should be happy about this, but they should know life doesn’t get better that fast,” said Wheaton. “They can expect to spend the first two or three years being used for their unique skill by kids that are obviously much cooler. The utilitarian purpose they serve lifts off the mantle of nerd, but the yoke of loser can be put upon them even more easily if they don’t perform up to expectations.”

Wheaton’s article clarifies that if they want to ensure a smooth transition, their nerdy skill should be as marketable as they can make it. Nerds who can fix computers, do complex math equations, or are handy with stereo and cable systems are going to see high gains in popularity and female contact. Nerds who collect comic books, build model trains, or play Magic the card game won’t see much change after high school except the label hanging over them.

“If nerds can take anything from this theory, it’s a measure of hope for the future,” said Wheaton. “If there is a lesson to be learned for all the cool kids out there, it’s that they should do their best to learn the distinguishing factors between nerds and losers. Losers are characterized by WWE and Nascar shirts, poorly developed facial hair, a complete lack of direction, and love for Budweiser. Quality nerds can be spotted by their trademark pre-pubescent body, when they constantly tuck in shirts that don’t need to be tucked in, and if they use words like “ubiquitous” in casual conversation.”

College Politics

Non conformists withdraw support from Obama

White House Pollsters have been in a flurry this week as a disturbing new trend threatens to undermine President Obama’s appeal to the youth of the nation. Over the past month, and more markedly within the last week, Obama’s staff noticed a sharp decline in Hipster support for Obama. At first, the pollsters didn’t know how to interpret the data. Undergrad Rag spoke with polling coordinator Rod Rexely about the anomalies.

“Well at first we didn’t know how to look at the data, we couldn’t imagine we were losing the youth market,” said Rexely. “So we went back to the source and tried to figure out where it was coming from.”

After Rexely and staff looked at where the drop in support was geographically they noticed a few common threads.

“We couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the negative polling came from establishments that hosted amateur poetry nights, areas where most if not all of the residents ride road bikes, and where sarcastic and ironic t-shirts were sold in bulk,” Rexely said. “It was amazing to note that the tighter the average person’s jeans were, the more sour the feedback became.”

It wasn’t long before Rexely derived a conclusion and realized Hipsters were the cause of dipping support. Analysts everywhere were baffled at the decline though considering the massive swell of support shown by Hipsters during the election. Virtually no other demographic could be counted on to so consistently volunteer for canvassing, to put stickers on every conceivable object, or obnoxiously impose their views on non-believers. Former campus campaign coordinator Todd Whitehead also expressed disbelief at the sudden drop in Hipster support.

“I mean, these people were Obama machines. They didn’t just support Obama, they despised everyone else. I can’t be certain but I think I walked into a group of them burning an effigy of Palin. Without them, we wouldn’t have been able find the necessary amount of people to stand at every college campus, shamelessly soliciting support for Barack and dismissing the views of others.”

Knowing it was the Hipsters was only half the battle though, the real question was why. Rexely and his staff formulated their own theory.

“We call it the ‘Non-Conformist effect’ and it revolves around the Hipsters’ illusion that they must always be on the cutting edge of what’s popular,” said Rexely. “It works on a simple ratio system. For every two people in the general public that like something, there is at least one Hipster who is required to hate that thing. For example, let’s say a band is on the indie scene and 100 Hipsters buy the CD. When the band gets picked up by a record label and starts to actually make money, 100 members of the general public buy their CD. Now, only about 50 of the original 100 Hipsters will find it socially acceptable to like that band anymore.”
As Rexely explains, Obama’s decline in support can be attributed to the fact that so many more people like him now. Knowing the problem, the solution is to make Obama less popular than he once was.

“Obama is too widely accepted for Hipsters, so we have to give him more of an edge. He has to be reviled by all other aspects of society. Additionally, he needs to loath Hipsters themselves to get back in their good graces. It’s a sickening cycle of pretension and disingenuousness that literally makes me want to vomit.”

Undergrad Rag's Regular Topics

Outside of the new articles you see below and above, Undergrad Rag will have some regular features that will be in every issue. Over the next few days we will publish actual examples of these segments:

“Why the F#@k did we read this in High School?”
- This section examines a book that was in the high school curriculum at some point, and satirically explores the reason for us reading it. Highlights complaints on the author, teachers, time period it was written. If the book actually had some merit we’ll explore that as well.

“The Tenured Professor”
- Tenured Professors are known for their complete lack of shame, the publication of their 20 books, and their insane anecdotes involving foreign lands and obscure celebrities of the academic world. In this section, the tenured Professor (always fake name accompanied by an amusing fake bio), shares his/her take on a current pop culture or national news event; usually equating it with some odd tale involving Carol Burnett and the Congo.

- Sub-segment: “The Adjunct vs The Tenured Professor” –Your typical adjunct Professor combines the knowledge of your average professor with a crushing sense of inadequacy. In this section they debate a topic and while the adjunct puts forth the more considered and reasonable response, he is crushed under the sheer clout and arrogance of the Tenured professor.

“Role Model of the Day”
- In this section we examine someone who is the antithesis of a good role model. Either someone who ruined an ideal situation or someone who fell ass-backwards into celebrity.

“The Pretentious Critic”
- This segment features reviews of music, art, books and film. The whole segment is meant to lampoon the classic 3rd year art/film/English major who insists on using industry colloquialisms and looks down their nose on everything. The reviews will be real and informative, but written in the “pretentious” voice.

“Dining Hall-eluiah”
- This is an online version of a college cookbook. The segment will include low budget recipes, new mixed drinks, beer reviews, and any other odd edible concoctions.

“The Engineer’s Lounge”
- This section is geared toward the more industrious and MacGyver-like among the college scene that features 1) ways to make make-shift furniture from everyday household objects 2) Designs for impractical devices meant to help the average college student (ie the blunt-pulley system)

“Career Obituaries”
- This is a section where we pay tribute to someone who has recently killed their career, or let it die a painful death. A recent example would be Mark Sanford.

For Our Audience

Just a reminder to our viewing audience: Because this is a demo site we strongly encourage feedback and audience participation. This is a satirical news website, so the faker and more outrageous, the better. The pieces are here for your entertainment, but also for your inspiration and reference. If you wish to submit your own work for posting on the site, and take the first steps toward building a portfolio, email us at undegradrag@gmail.com. We only ask that you stay faithful to the format and keep your articles in a 500-700 word range.

College Health Department

Dining Hall Food Declared a Diuretic by the FDA

The FDA shocked the college world today when spokesperson Dr. Isabel Bennet called a press conference and officially re-classified all food served by college dining halls as powerful diuretics. She began the stunning announcement with a few conciliatory statements.

“Let me start by apologizing to any and all college institutions that serve palatable food at their dining hall,” stated Dr. Bennet, “but this institution cannot ignore the facts any longer.”

Dr. Bennet went on to say that after a rather gassy conference among physicians at the University of Pennsylvania, she decided to have the FDA test the effects of college dining hall food on the gastrointestinal process. Samples were taken from colleges all across the nation and fed to people of all different ages, weights, and nationalities. The results, Bennet says, are conclusive.

“Dining hall food makes you damn near shit your pants. There’s just no way around it. Unfortunately, we cannot connect this food with the healthy bowel movements that something like fiber might provide. This stuff just causes violent intestinal spasms.”

Dr. Bennet justified the research on the grounds that not only will the reclassification allow students to better plan their eating schedule around long, important exams, but this new data explains the rise in dormitory plumbing costs around the nation.

To some school administrators, the news was like a revelation. Knowing that dining hall food was the source of so much sewage and plumbing backup will allow administrators like Gary Pearson of Hartford University to dramatically cut costs by changing the menu.

“Seriously? It was the food causing all those problems?” asked a relieved Pearson. “I thought all our kids were sick, or weren’t chewing their food. You should have heard the stories maintenance was telling us about some of the crap clogging the pipes. One guy told me they found a shit so big it looked like someone had eaten a walrus head whole.”

Adults aren’t the only ones breathing a sigh of relief. Students like Harry Larson feel like a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders, and their intestines.

“Hopefully this means they’ll be serving better food now right? I mean, not only was the food barely edible, but like twenty minutes after I was dropping weapons of mass destruction in the toilet. Oh and the odor…you never smelled such things. The things I’ve seen in that bathroom could shake up a Viet Nam vet.”

However, despite the relief felt by students and faculty alike, some see this change as a death knell to their profession. College cafeteria workers around the nation are scared that with the increase of quality food there will be an increase in work. Day laborer Miles Green is voicing his fears to anyone who will listen.

“This is bullshit man. The food is all deep fried, it’s like the easiest job in the world. Now these little bastards want greens? Shit man, I’m going to have to, like, clean the dishes now and be conscientious of food quality. I get paid like nine dollars an hour…[expletive deleted] that noise This is just another case of those bigwigs down at the FDA trying to screw over the little man.”

Despite the mixed emotions over the FDA’s announcement there are a few certainties that will be a part of the future to come. College dormitories will be slightly less rancid, fart-based pranks will most likely decline in the upcoming year, and toilets everywhere will gurgle a sigh of relief.

Social Scene

Parties See an Increase in Sluts

Recent polling of college events has uncovered some delightful news for university males. According to a recent study done by the College Scene Census (CSC), parties run for profit (parties where attendees have to pay to get in) have been seeing a steady increase in attendance by sluts since 2004. The study was headed by Richard Caldwell M.D., and the research has taken data from schools all over the East Coast.

“At first the rise was quite gradual,” said Caldwell, “we just assumed it was a momentary upturn, nothing major. Maybe a new alcohol was being introduced into the market, maybe the prices of speakers and electronics went down at a fortuitous time for fraternities. We can’t point to a singular reason for why sluts are being sluttier, they simply are. They rise and fall like any other population.”

It wasn’t until 2007 when Caldwell and his team had to accept that the slut-to- everyone else ratio was at the steepest climb it’s been since the inception of the project in 2000. Knowing they could do nothing to quell the numbers, the team could only ponder the backlash.

“If the numbers continue at their current pace, the slut-to-everyone-else ratio will be 3 to 1 in a large swath of schools across the nation by 2012.” Caldwell elaborated, “The rise in sluts is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of sluts are good because it makes the male population less prone to violent acts and self-destruction. On the other hand, if it gets to the point where men no longer need to spend money to impress women, then we have a significant blow to many markets in the economy.”

Among the many casualties in the markets that would suffer, Florists, Hallmark greeting card stores, and moderately priced jewelry from department stores would be hit the hardest. So the only questions that remain are how would we stop what seems to be an overwhelming increases in sluts, and do we really want to? Caldwell’s leading research scientist Anthony Tong weighed in on the matter.

“On the face of it, everyone would like to see more sluts. That’s seems like an idea you can get behind and ride all the way to the bank, but it’s just not the way it is.” Tong went on to say “The things a slut does at the end night tend to negate how annoying she is the rest of the evening. Eventually there could be such a dense population of sluts that good conversation couldn’t survive in the environment. It’s in our best interest to at least try to make this thing level off.”

Tong provided UR with a checklist of precautions to take in order to repel sluts, and therefore slowly reduce their numbers. Tong maintains that the best piece of advice that he can give is “Sluts thrive on attention, so the best thing you can do is ignore them.”

Dr. Tongs Tips for Minimum Slut Exposure

• Avoid bright colors and flashy jewelry.
• Avoid areas where flavored vodkas are being served
• Never engage in crotch-to-butt dance maneuvers with any girl you haven’t known for more then two days.
• If you can hear a girl yelling obnoxiously for no particular reason, walk in the opposite direction.

College Sports

Syracuse Mascot Tired of Being Mocked

There was a minor ripple in the college football atmosphere when it was disclosed this past week that the mascot for Syracuse University checked himself into a mental health clinic. According to school officials the university mascot, Otto the Orange, admitted himself to the Hollowitz Mental Health Facility on the grounds of extreme emotional stress. At first, Otto was not granting interviews, but rather let the school read a prepared statement on his behalf that read:

“Dear Students and Alumni, I know my absence over the past few sporting events has been disappointing, and I appreciate the outpouring of support and encouragement from my fans. Like most things made of a felt fabric, I never pondered my purpose nor questioned my role. However, after being jeered at by opposing fans for the past several football seasons, I have come to realize something very disturbing: I am nothing more than a piece of produce. For years I have danced away the pain and done front-rolls through the tears, but today I can no longer deny how I feel. Today, I am a very sad orange.”

No matter the amount of coaxing, Otto would not let the press into his room or accept phone calls asking for answers. It was only after the first week of his treatment that Otto decided it was best for him to share his pain with the world.

“I’ve done what no mascot should ever have to do,” stated Otto at his press conference a few days ago, “I have had to accept the fact that in terms of sport, I make absolutely no fucking sense. In the midst of this existential crisis I ask my brothers in rubber and felt to not look down on me, but rather understand that I can no longer frolic while the crushing futility and absurdity of my existence destroys me from the inside out. I mean, come on. I’m an orange.”

Fellow mascots from other universities are sympathizing with Otto’s plight. Hoot the Temple Owl and the St. Joseph’s University Hawk had similar words of support for their comrade in mascotry.

“I know how he feels, I mean, I’m an owl. That’s not menacing at all. To top it off, I look like a genetically altered owl who was given the body of a human midget and the head of a parade float. Hang in there Otto, we’re with you.”

The SJU Hawk felt Otto’s pain as well. “It’s disgusting the physical demands they make on us. If I don’t constantly flap the entire game they’ll sell me to some crazed hawk breeder in upstate New York. They actually told me they’d do that. I can only imagine the type of pressure that Otto is under. How can you ask an orange to do all those calisthenics? He’s a fucking orange, dude.”

Others feel less sympathetic and aren’t shying away from having their opinions heard. The Stanford Cardinal had this to say: “Oh yeah, Otto’s life is so hard. At least he’s based off the university color. You know what I am? I’m a tree. They call me a cardinal. No one will tell me why. Cry me a river Otto. I go out there and do my job every soul crushing day, you don’t see me throwing a pity party for myself.”

However one feels about Otto’s sudden absence, his disappearance in keenly felt at Syracuse sporting events. Fans who are already depressed at their team’s sudden decline now no longer even have the simple joy of laughing at an over-sized orange.